music to make your brain shut up

today's video:

today i am going to take the train and visit my cousin

i plan to do laundry but i'm not sure i'll get around to it. worst case i'll get it done before dance tomorrow

i have exactly one page left in my rhodia webnotebook and i don't think the new one will come in before i fill in the current one. i have other notebooks i can use in the interim and tear the pages out of to stick in the new so that's okay

i'm feeling a little better than i was but i can never be totally sure. that's why i record so much. my memory likes to play tricks on me so i use daylio, i use the sleep trackers, the step trackers, this blog. a journal and a separate one for things i'm grateful for every day

i feel the Mystery still close to me though not in the same way as when i was crying every day last week and i want to think the connection is still sincere, it is still real, the things i am feeling and doing are real enough to count

i don't know who i want them to be real enough for, exactly. myself, probably?

i don't know who i am without my anxiety. it seems to be preprogrammed. like how my brain has been shaped and my thoughts run off the slope of it accordingly

what is ease to me then? i guess i am trying to find what feels both bearable and true

Z said yesterday that getting older is like doing drugs in that it adds more and more context to things, and when you get on the bus it's every bus you've ever been on and every bus you ever will be on, that every cigarette is a portal to every cigarette past and present -- and to go back to the bus it's never just the bus, it's the whole public transit system, and it's not the whole transit system it's the whole of how society is structured, and so on

my periods of sobriety have felt a bit like acid, where details are magnified, significance is magnified

and i think that is a good state to be in, but also, how much can a person really take of that every day?

it is something i understand intuitively but i also struggle to connect with my intuition; i mean in my body my intuition is scrambled because of trauma, because of anxiety and alienation and all the overlapping marginalized identities that create a sense of disconnect between me and what is considered "normal" in society

it's not that i want to be "normal" or to think less about all these things. it's that i want to feel strong enough to take on all of it in daily life and how it accumulates

i want to keep trying and keep believing and also make room for the times i do not want to do those things. because while yes i do all i can because it's all i can do, i still agree with that, there are still limits to how much pain a person can take without crumbling and shutting everything out for a long time. i mean long enough to not want to try again.

i don't know what the future holds, no one does, i just know there is still more out there and i want to be able to stick around and experience as much as i can

i want to both endure and to surrender